Why Cargo Shorts Are A Crime Against Humanity

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In general, I wouldn’t venture as far to say that I’m someone who dresses for comfort. When I go out, I’m typically decked out in a menagerie of skinny jeans, ankle boots, rings, and a turtleneck, if I’m feeling particularly modest. That being said, my outfit is one that usually announces to the world “I am uncomfortable, I know I look good, but I would like to go home now”.

In a sense, I truly envy those whose chief concern is being physically comfortable — and this is the go-to justification for men (and sometimes women) who feel the need to explain their Crush On Cargo to people like myself. If you’re someone who works in a job where the extra pocket-age goes a long way, no explanation needed. If you’re someone who’s spending a night out on the town, just what the fuck do you think you’re doing?

The Anti-Cargo High Tribunal sits in judgement.

Several months ago, a friend of mine was investing in a new wardrobe and sought out my advice. He sent me some of the clothes he planned on purchasing, and I flinched when I clicked a link and my computer screen was awash in the unmistakable khaki-colored apparel that haunts my dreams. Once I recovered, I implored him to ditch the cargo and instead put his money towards a more acceptable pair of plain khaki shorts; he rebuked my plea, telling me that he “liked the pockets”. I bit my tongue, hoping he would see the light.

He bought the cargo shorts.

One cannot help but wonder what you need all those fiendish pockets for in the first place; what on Earth do you carry around with you that warrants the need for six huge pockets? Candy? Loose change? Secrets? People, if you find yourself in the position where you actually haul that much garbage around on your person, it’s time to bring a bag, prioritize your things, or buy something at least marginally more fashionable, like a cargo jacket. Lord, I can already hear the grumblings of suburban dads and pubescent boys across the country; oh, so cargo shorts are bad but not cargo jackets? Yeah, that’s exactly what I said. Allow me to explain.

Cargo shorts are inherently unflattering to any person’s body shape. The loose fit and large silhouette created by the pockets draws attention to your thighs, making them look larger and your legs appear shorter. In extreme cases, the shorts fall to the upper portion of the calf, which only serves to make your legs look even more weird. Design-wise, they just look terrible, with any aesthetically-pleasing attributes being overshadowed by unnecessary pockets, straps, buttons, and zippers. In contrast, cargo jackets can supply you with all the space you, for some reason, need and demand, without the side effect of distorting your proportions in a blah-blah way. They emphasize the more important upper half of your body, and can actually make for a nice addition to any outfit (and if you decide to do cargo-on-cargo, God help you).

I always try to be open to style and fashion different than my own, but personally, the buck stops at Cargo Town. If you don’t care about looking fashionable, then more power to you, friend — but something tells me you wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t care at all. If you plan on going clothes shopping any time soon, don’t make the same mistake my friend did. Don’t buy cargo shorts and inflict such wickedness onto the people around you. Opt for a simple pair of plain chino shorts. Try out some different colors. Reconsider whether or not you really need all that pocket space.

The world, and I, will thank you.

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